Title: Waiting
Author: Kat Lee
Fandom: Harry Potter
Character/Pairing: Harry, Sirius, mentions of Harry/Ginny (not in a good light) and hints of Harry/Hermione/Ron, Ron/Hermione, and Sirius/Lupin
Rating: R/M
Challenge/Prompt: fan_flashworks #139: Hand
Warning(s): Mentioned Character Deaths, Harry/Ginny not shown in a good light
Word Count: 1,087
Date Written: 8 December, 2015
Summary:
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to Rowling, not the author, and are used without permission.



I can still see your hands, after all this time, reaching for me. I still see the look on your face every night. I never really realized how much older than I you were until then. You seemed ancient suddenly when that curse struck you, but it wasn't because of the curse. I've played that moment over and over again in my head over these years, and I know all that pain I saw, all that sudden age, wasn't because of the curse. It was because of what we would never have.

We both wanted it, I know. We both wanted the life we talked about, where I'd go to live with you after graduation and every Summer and holiday until then, where you would finally get to really fulfill the part of my godfather, but you were the only father I ever really knew, Sirius. Don't get me wrong. You could never replace my real Dad, but then you never tried.

Do you know you called me by my Dad's name there at the end? I heard you. At one time, I thought hearing you call me James had stunned me so badly that that was why I wasn't ready to stop Bellatrix. But none of us could have stopped her. It took me years to understand Professor Dumbledore -- well, not understand, really, but accept. He told me after the memorial we held for you that there was nothing we could have done differently that would have stopped her. There was no way to save you, because it was your time to go from this realm.

I didn't want to accept it. I still don't, after all this time, but there are rare moments, like now, when I can look at that moment and say, yes, he was right. Yes, there was nothing we could have done to stop her, to save you. But it never makes it okay. Nothing can.

You reached for me at the end, and I so wanted to run after you. But I knew even then that I could not. I searched for my own death for a while, but in trying to keep my friends safe, I kept coming away alive. I didn't feel alive. All I felt was the pain and the sorrow from losing you and from losing others after you, too, but your loss was the most painful one.

There was so much I wanted to do, so much I wanted to learn from you, so much I wanted to tell you. I still do. I wake every morning thinking of things I want to tell you and wondering how much longer it will be before I can. This life of mine, such as it is, seems to go on forever. Ginny thinks I'm happy. Our friends think I am. But I don't think I've really been happy since I lost you.

I've played the role everybody's expected of me. I've helped to save the world a couple of times. I was instrumental in stopping Voldemort. I've seen that the school continued on; I've seen that my friends continue on with their lives. I even married Ron's little sister, more to protect her for him than because I actually loved her. She's a sweet girl, but every time I look at her, I still just see a sweet child who needs my protection, not some one with whom I want to spend the rest of my days.

I don't think there has ever been any one other than Hermione, Ron, and you. They've moved on with their own lives, but they still call every day. I pretend to have moved on with mine, but I can not. I'm still stuck in the past, Sirius. I'm still stuck in that moment, your hands reaching for me, my heart reaching for you. My own voice crying your name echoes in my ears.

I wanted to kill that bitch so badly. Sometimes, I still think I should have, but I know that's not what you would have wanted. You always told me we had to be better than them, and I know you were right, but it doesn't help the pain. Nothing does. I don't think it ever will. Surely, if there was such a thing, I would have found it by now.

But I'm still waiting. Curled up in the morning sunlight pooling through the curtains Ginny left open last night to show the full moon, I'm still here, and I'm still waiting. I used to spend hours in this tight position in my cupboard underneath the stairs in the Dursleys' home. That place was never my home, but you knew that. You were my home. By your side was where I was meant to be, godfather, and I haven't been home since your death.

I won't be until mine comes at last. Are your hands still reaching? I believe they are. In the still, quiet moments like now, I can almost feel you. I can almost feel your phantom skin on my live flesh. I can almost hear you calling my name. My heart aches with the burning need to answer, and one day, I will.

One day, it will finally be my turn. One day, I'll finally get to come home to you, and then we can build that home we talked about. We can build that life we yearned to share, you and Lupin and my parents and, of course, myself. We can all be happy at last. We can all, finally and forever, be together where we belong.

Ginny's waking. I can feel her stirring beside me. The old lies are crawling back up my throat, ready to be said again and again, however often it takes to convince her that I am okay, that I am her doting, protecting husband, and she has nothing over which to worry or fear. I know you'd want me to protect her. I know you'd want me to be happy, too, but although I've tried, I can not, not until I'm home with you.

So today will be another day spent waiting and tomorrow, too, and the next day and the next, however long it takes, until I get my calling, until I am called home, until I get to be back by your side. I'm waiting, Sirius. Come take me away from this life. Come take me home. I'm waiting for your hand to catch mine. Now and forever, I remain, your caring, loving godson, Harry.

The End