Title: Wine Tasting
Fandom: Dear Ladies
Rating: G
Length: 1,099
Content notes: Mild innuendo
Summary: Hilda has agreed to do a tasting of Evadne's homemade wines.

Hilda and Evadne were sitting together at the kitchen table after dinner, Hilda gazing apprehensively at the array of open bottles in front of her while Evadne sorted out her clipboard.

“So,” said Evadne finally, as she picked up a pen. She pointed with it at the bottles. “As I said, I’d like you to sample each of my latest wines. Don’t hold back—tell me what you really think.”

Evadne poured out a small amount of the first wine and passed the glass over.

Hilda took it reluctantly, staring down into the contents. She looked back up at Evadne. “Aren’t you going to be having any?”

Evadne smiled a little. “I don’t want my reactions to influence you in any way. I shall merely observe and jot down your thoughts.” She looked at Hilda expectantly.

Hilda gave a weak smile and lifted the glass. “Er, well. It’s rather a pretty colour. A little cloudy perhaps?”

Evadne nodded and made a note.

Hilda sniffed at the wine. “Smells quite… sweet?”

Evadne sighed but made another note.

Hilda sipped the wine. “Oh, that’s not bad!” She took another sip. “Light and fruity. I can taste… lemon… and butterscotch… Perhaps apples and a hint of honey…” She raised her eyebrows enquiringly. “So what’s it made of?”

“Parsnips,” said Evadne, not looking up from the clipboard.

“Oh. Lovely…” Hilda took another sip.

Evadne did look up then and frowned as she watched Hilda drinking. “Wait a moment.” She reached under the table and pulled out a bucket. “There!”

Hilda looked puzzled. “What’s that for then?”

“I would have thought it would be obvious,” said Evadne. “You’re going to be getting through an awful lot of wine. You’ll need the bucket for when you… want to get rid of it.”

Hilda’s eyebrows shot up. “You can’t mean…”

“Spitting, yes,” said Evadne. She fidgeted self-consciously. “I don’t want you getting… tiddly.”

Hilda drew herself up with dignity. “I never get ‘tiddly’, as you so kindly put it. And I may have agreed to taste your wretched homemade wine but I absolutely draw the line at spitting it into a bucket. I shall just take a few sips of each one. I will be perfectly all right.”

“Hilda…” said Evadne.

“Absolutely not!”

Evadne sighed. “Fine. But on your own head be it.”




Hilda had tried the beetroot, the elderberry, the carrot and was now considering the peapod.

“Isn’t it...” She interrupted herself with giggles. “...isn’t it lucky it’s made from peapods, rather than from the peas themselves. I mean, can you imagine the vicar saying: “The beetroot and the parsnip both look delicious but what I’d really like is a glass of p—”

“I knew it!” said Evadne, breaking in just in time. “You’re tipsy!”

Hilda stared at her. “I’m not Tipsy. I’m Hilda!” She giggled again. “You’re thinking of Tipsy Hedren in ‘Psycho’.”

Evadne wrinkled her brow. “Wasn’t that Janet Lee Curtis, dear?”

Hilda waved her finger. “No, she was in ‘Some Like It Hot’.” She looked wistful. “Such a pretty girl…”

Evadne gave a rather superior smile. “That was Tommy Curtis, Hilda. A man.”

“Really?” Hilda thought hard. “Yes, I suppose he did have that horn.”

Evadne raised her eyebrows. “I think it was a saxophone, actually.”

She sighed.

“Perhaps we should call a halt there for tonight.”

“No!” said Hilda. She gestured at the last bottle. “There’s only one to go. I want some peapod!”

“To match your complexion,” muttered Evadne. Nevertheless, she poured out a small sample. “All right then. But this is definitely the end!"




The following morning Hilda staggered into the kitchen.

“My head… My head…”

She stopped and stared at Evadne sitting at the table with empty bottles in front of her.

“My goodness,” said Hilda, “you have been having a party.” She sat down herself and reached for the teapot.

Evadne frowned at her. “I’ve been having..?” She leaned towards Hilda. “Don’t you remember anything about last night?”

“Well…” Hilda put the pot down and concentrated. Suddenly her eyes went very round. “Oh! I was tasting your wines.” She glared at Evadne. “No wonder I have a headache today.”

“Anything else?”

Hilda thought carefully. “Well… I tasted the wines and then I went to bed.”

Evadne gave her a very hard look. “Yes, you did. But then you got up again. And went down to have some more of the wine.” She indicated the empty bottles. “I was woken at 3 by your singing and laughing, and when I came down you were…” Evadne looked away. “...dancing on the table!”

“No,” said Hilda.

“Oh, yes,” said Evadne, looking up again. “You had your bed jacket off, and I blush to recall what you were doing with my carrot.”

“What..?” said Hilda faintly.

“You were swigging it down!” said Evadne. “And the parsnip, the beetroot and the elderberry was all already gone.”

“So…” said Hilda. “I… drank it all?”

“You hadn’t got onto the peapod yet, so that was a minor blessing.”

Evadne nodded at the counter behind Hilda and Hilda turned to see the still almost full bottle of peapod standing on it.

She turned back. “And then what happened..?”

“I got you off the table, up the stairs, and back into bed!” said Evadne. She looked sternly at Hilda. “All that wild enjoyment and gay abandon—it really was not ladylike!” Her shoulders slumped and she sighed. “But it’s not really your fault. I’ve obviously made the wine far too strong. I shall pour away my remaining bottles, adjust the recipe and have another go.”

“Yes. I… I suppose that’s the best thing to do,” said Hilda.

Evadne nodded. “I think it is. Respectable ladies really shouldn’t indulge in that kind of behaviour.” There was a knock at the door and she got up. “That’ll be the post. I’ll go and get it, and you make yourself a nice, fresh pot of tea.”

And Evadne exited the kitchen, leaving Hilda staring at the teapot.




“I’ve emptied out the peapod wine for you,” smiled Hilda, when Evadne came back.

“Oh!” said Evadne, sitting down. “Well, that was thoughtful of you, dear.”

She passed Hilda a small bundle of letters, and settled down with her copy of ‘Shed Owner Monthly’. Hilda poured herself out a cup of tea, and Evadne glanced up.

“Looks rather pale, Hilda.” She furrowed her brow. “And doesn’t it have rather a greenish tinge to it?”

Hilda moved the cup further away from Evadne and opened her first letter.

“Oh,” she said. “Does it..?”