Title: Fairytale Backup Plan
Fandom: Father Ted
Rating: G
Length: 669
Summary: Ted feels that his life is mirroring a fairy tale.
A/N: Inspired by the "fairytale backup plan" earrings

Father Ted didn’t usually think his life was a fairy tale.  In fact generally it bore no resemblance to one at all, especially on days like today, when he’d been forced to meet with Bishop Brennan, who had droned on for longer than Ted felt was necessary.  Which meant not only had Ted endured an extremely tedious afternoon, but he was now late returning home, which would mean Mrs Doyle would already have served supper.

The house was very quiet as he entered it.  He was momentarily concerned when he wasn’t greeted by Mrs Doyle trying to press a cup of tea into his hand the moment he stepped through the front door, but then he remembered it was Wednesday and therefore Witches Night – or, as described in the parish newsletter, Women’s Meeting.  Dougal was presumably doing whatever Dougals do.  As for Jack, no doubt he would find out in time, but he was in no hurry to retrieve him if he wasn’t asleep in his chair.

He entered the dining room and it was at that point he began to feel he had inadvertently stepped into a fairy tale.  On the table were three plates, not containing porridge, but an indefinable congealed mass, which might have begun life as stew.  The first was covered in tomato sauce, a result, no doubt, of Dougal ignoring his regular instruction to give the bottle a gentle shake.  A trail of sauce indicated the bottle must have then rolled off the table.

The second plate seemed to have been covered in dust, which on closer inspection and the subsequent sneezing fit turned out to be pepper.  He would have to remind Mrs Doyle not to leave the condiments on the table unless Jack was properly supervised.  The final plate had nothing but a trickle of gravy on it, which meant there was no supper for Ted.

Having ascertained there was no food for him, Ted turned his attention to the furniture.  On the first chair he discovered the destination of the sauce bottle.  The remainder of the sauce had pooled onto the chair seat.  The second chair was very muddy.  Clearly Dougal had been standing on it while wearing his football boots.  He couldn’t think of any logical reason why he should have wanted to, but since it was Dougal that didn’t really rule anything out.

The third chair was lying next to the wall, one leg broken and the back looking as if it was about to fall off.  Ted presumed Jack, having rendered his own supper inedible, had kicked his chair against the wall in frustration.  The likelihood was he would have made a grab for the third plate of food, before Dougal could make his own claim on it.  Ted nodded, that explained why there was mud on the chair.  Dougal would have stood on it to hold the third supper out of Jack’s reach.  It wouldn’t have been successful; Jack would have shaken him until he relinquished his hold on the plate.

With a sense that it would be preferable to finish his fairy tale experience as quickly as possible Ted headed upstairs to see if Jack was in bed.  He was not surprised to find Jack’s bed empty, but looking like a hurricane had passed through.  He continued on to the room he and Dougal shared.  Dougal’s football boots were in the middle of his bed, together with his scarf and football.  Meanwhile, loud snoring was emanating from Ted’s bed.  Ted sighed at the inevitability of it.  There was no way Jack would imitate Goldilocks by waking up and running from the house.  In fact, there was no way Jack was going to wake up before the following morning.

Ted stomped back downstairs and out to his car.  At least he had a backup plan, he thought, as he retrieved the fish and chips and bottle of whiskey he’d bought earlier.  And he had time, since Dougal was still out, to claim the settee for the night.