Title: What a Performance
Fandom: Dear Ladies
Rating: G
Length: 1,664
Content notes: Mild innuendo and terrible puns
Summary: Mr. Butler is being Ahler's Father Christmas this year. Evadne has kindly agreed to help out.

Evadne entered the living room wearing a long green tunic, red tights, green ankle boots, and a green and red striped cap with a bell on it.

Hilda looked up from her armchair and surveyed the outfit for a long moment.

“That’s new, dear, isn’t it?” she said eventually.

Evadne frowned. “I told you, Hilda. I’m Father Christmas’ elf.”

Hilda raised her eyebrows but said nothing and went back to skimming through her Ladies’ Own.

Evadne came and sat down on the settee. “I’m rather regretting agreeing to help Mr. Butler now.” She fiddled with her tunic. “I mean, a whole week of elf duties at Ahler’s! You know I’m not at my best with children. But Mr. Butler seemed so desperate—I felt I couldn’t say no.”

Hilda set her magazine and reading glasses aside. “You know what your problem is, Evadne? You’ve become so used to hiding behind the piano or down in the orchestra pit.” She spread her arms dramatically. “You need to perform to your audience. Make them believe in you.”

“I need to make small children believe I’m an elf?” said Evadne.

Hilda considered her companion’s frame. “Well, I suppose with you it will be a bit of a stretch.” She started giggling. “Stretch. Do you see? Because you’re so tall…”

Evadne stared at her.

“Doesn’t matter…” said Hilda, looking away. She coughed and brought her gaze back to Evadne. “I’m just saying that if you believe in your own performance, then the children will believe in you too, and they’ll behave for you.”

Evadne sighed. “I suppose it’s worth a try.”





“It was hell!”

Evadne strode into the kitchen. “Never again! I’m not going back!” She plonked herself down into a chair next to Hilda. “There was screaming—weeping…”

“And that was just you,” laughed Hilda.

“Yes,” said Evadne.

“Ah.” Hilda got up. “I’ll just go and put the kettle on…”

Evadne slumped across the table. “They were brats! All of them! Pushing and shoving, and no manners at all. Put on a magical performance for them? All they cared about was getting a present.”

Hilda discreetly put a plate of petit beurre biscuits down next to Evadne, and Evadne absentmindedly started tucking in.

“You know,” said Hilda, sitting down again. “You really don’t have to go back.”

“But I do!” Evadne threw up her hands. “I can’t let poor Mr. Butler down now.” She bit into another biscuit, and after she’d finished her mouthful she added, “He’s terribly busy with his various jobs, and he seems so bewildered most of the time. I just can’t say no to the man; I’ve even agreed to stand in as Father Christmas on Wednesday because he’s had a last minute booking to sweep a chimney.”

“But…” Hilda hesitated and gestured vaguely. “Father Christmas. Surely you don’t have the necessary… physical requirements?”

“This won’t be my first time in drag, Hilda,” said Evadne.

“No… I suppose not…” said Hilda. “But will you be able to fill out a pair of trousers properly..?”

Evadne frowned.

“You need stuffing,” said Hilda.

Evadne’s eyebrows rose. But then her face cleared. “Ahler’s will supply the stomach padding and a Father Christmas suit, and I already have the beard.”

Hilda leaned over to stare at Evadne’s chin. “You can get that plucked, you know.”

“In the attic.” Evadne gave Hilda a hard stare. “In our chest of old costumes.”

“Oh, yes…” Hilda looked wistful. “For Captain Corcoran in Pinafore last Easter. I really admired you for stepping in at the last minute, dear. A very brave attempt at the baritone.”

The kettle came to the boil.

Hilda patted her friend’s hand. “And now let’s have a nice cup of tea, and we’ll talk about something else for a while.”

Evadne nodded gratefully.





Evadne continued to come home from the grotto downcast.

“And I’m dreading tomorrow,” she said, taking off her elf cap. “I’ll be all on my own playing Father Christmas. The staff members will be keeping the children under control as much as possible but they’ll all be busy with their own duties as well.”

Hilda slapped the arm of her chair lightly. “Now then,” she said. “What you need is something to look forward to—a nice Christmas treat of your own. I’ll come and pick you up tomorrow after your shift ends, and we’ll go and have coffee and chocolate cake in Ahler’s cafe.” She beamed. “What do you say?”

Evadne thought for a moment. “That does sound splendid,” she said, and gave a little smile. “Thank you, Hilda.”





Evadne was as prepared as she could be.

She looked in the staffroom mirror for one last time and inclined her head in appreciation. The beard rather suited her actually, and the padding tied round her waist did fill out the trousers and the jacket nicely. All in all she wasn’t a half bad Father Christmas. She sighed. In appearance that is. It remained to be seen how she would cope with the children.

Discreetly, she got into the grotto through the back entrance and settled herself down in Father Christmas’ chair. Soon after, one of the younger and more enthusiastic shop assistants popped in from the front.

“Hello, Dr. Hinge! I mean, ‘Santa’.” She grinned. “Are you all ready to start?”

Evadne whimpered, and the assistant smiled in understanding. “Don’t worry. I’ll be firm with the little sweethearts. So, here comes the first one then!”

And she disappeared once more. Evadne braced herself, and a little girl entered with her harassed-looking father.

The child stared at Evadne with great suspicion. Evadne took a deep breath, and reminded herself she was a professional.

“Hullo, little girl,” she said. “And what do you want for—”

“I’m so sorry I’m late!”

Evadne turned round to find another Father Christmas entering from the rear. Startled, she spun back to her customers. The father was merely looking bemused but the little girl appeared shocked.

“Daddy..?” she said, pulling on her father’s coat.

“Excuse me one moment,” said Evadne, and quickly rose to meet Mr. Butler.

He stared at her as she approached him. “Dr. Hinge?” he whispered. “What are you doing in that outfit?”

“Because you asked me to play Father Christmas!” whispered back Evadne.

Mr. Butler frowned. “On Wednesday.”

“It is Wednesday!”

“Oh, my goodness, is it?” Mr. Butler had gone quite pale. “I ought to be up a chimney.”

“Makes a change from coming down them, I suppose,” muttered Evadne. She pulled herself together. “What are we going to do though? That little girl is about to go back out to the waiting queue and say there are two Father Christmases in the grotto.”

“Oh. Oh, dear. Oh, I just don’t know.” Mr. Butler was patently panicking.

Aghast, Evadne stared at him. But then she nodded and straightened her shoulders.

“Right,” she said. “Time to give the audience a performance, I think.”

She guided Mr. Butler gently to the chair and sat him down, and turned to face the little girl and her father.

Evadne cleared her throat. “I’m afraid I have something to confess.” She took off her fake beard. “I’m not in fact Father Christmas.”

The little girl’s eyes were round. “You were lying.”

Evadne put her head on one side, thoughtfully. “Well… Yes and no.”

She gave the father a brief smile and he smiled weakly back. Then Evadne beamed down at the little girl.

“You see, Father Christmas…” Evadne gestured towards Mr. Butler. “…he’s getting on a bit now and he’s thinking about retiring.”

“Am I?” asked Mr. Butler.

“Yes,” said Evadne firmly. “You are.”

She turned back to the little girl. “So he needed an apprentice. To learn everything from him and take over when he was ready to retire. And after many practical tests and written exams, he picked me.”

“Oh, that’s lovely,” said the father, getting into the spirit of things. “Isn’t it, Debbie?”

The little girl looked half-convinced but still uncertain.

“But you’re a lady…” she said. “Ladies can’t be Father Christmas.”

Evadne drew herself up to her full height. “Ladies,” she said, “can do anything.” She smiled at the little girl. “And maybe one day, when I’m ready to retire, I’ll pick you to take over from me.”

“Really?” said the little girl.

“Maybe,” said Evadne. She raised an eyebrow. “How are you with flying reindeer?”

The little girl giggled.





Hilda arrived a few minutes before Evadne’s shift ended and was surprised to see her outside the grotto in her elf’s costume. Evadne gave her a small wave, showed in the last child and then came over to speak to her.

“But what’s all this?” said Hilda, indicating Evadne’s outfit. “I thought you were Father Christmas today.”

“Bit of a story there,” said Evadne with a smile and a quick girlish shrug. “I’ll explain over coffee.”

She nipped off to get changed and then they made their way up to Ahler’s café. As they went Hilda couldn’t help but notice that several children pointed or stared at Evadne. A few of the braver ones even waved at her, and Evadne gave them a smile in return, wiggling her fingers at them.

By the time they got to the café and had been served with their coffee and cake, Hilda could wait no longer.

She raised an eyebrow at Evadne. “Just what is going on?”

And Evadne laughed, and told her all about her triumphant appearance as Father Christmas’ apprentice.

“And we completely got away with it,” said Evadne. “Word spread like wildfire and when I reappeared as the elf, nearly all the children in the queue wanted my autograph.” She sipped her coffee. “You were quite right, Hilda. A little touch of Christmas magic and they were like angels.”

“Well, that’s wonderful,” beamed Hilda. “Truly. As Father Christmas’ apprentice you’ve given those children a performance they’ll never forget.”

“You could say…” Evadne giggled. “You could say I sleighed them.”

Hilda sighed. “Oh, eat your chocolate cake.”