Title: Superhero Speed Dating
Fandom: Marvel/DCU
Rating: Teen
Length: ~1063
Content notes: Non-graphic violence. Mentions of kink.
Author notes: For fan-flashworks for the Disaster challenge.
Summary: Darcy thinks it's a great idea to organize speed-dating for heroes. It kind of goes horribly.



“Okay, everyone, welcome to Speed Dating!” Darcy announced. “You will have exactly three minutes with each person you meet, so let’s go out there and find some people to, you know, do stuff with!”

The bell rang, and everyone quickly took their first position. Darcy watched happily, hoping the night would go well.

--

Oliver Queen and Tony Stark

“So I hear you’re still a right wing hawk who thinks that corporations are people,” Oliver said, sneering.

“I see you’re still a whining, lefty hippie-wannabe, Oliver,” Tony answered, downing his whiskey.

“Boys, boys,” Darcy said, running over, “No politics on the first date! Too controversial!”

Tony and Oliver looked at each other.

“Queen Consolidated makes a better phone than Stark industries,” Oliver said casually.

“Okay, NOW I’m offended!”

--

Natasha Romanov and Jason Todd

“Hey. Black Widow, right?” Jason said with a smile.

“Yeah.”

“I recognize you from TV. Too bad you don’t know who I am.”

“Jason Todd. Former Robin. Former Red Hood. Currently of ambiguous status,” Natasha said, not letting her gaze drop for a second.

Jason started, then grinned. “Wow, impressive. Kinda hot, actually.”

“Is that so.”

Jason smiled again, cocky, and leaned in. “Yeah. I hear you’re tough too. I mean, tough for a SHIELD agent – you guys are pretty much boy scouts with your handbooks and rules. In a no-holds-barred fight, I bet I could kick the ass of any one of y--”

Thump!

"Natasha!" Darcy said, running over, "Don't beat up the speed daters!"

--
Bruce Banner and Superman

“I’m a fan of your work, Dr. Banner,” Superman said with a polite smile.

“Got a thing for mad scientists, do you?” Bruce joked.

Superman looked incredibly uncomfortable then, Bruce noticed.

“So… what made you decide to come here today?” Bruce asked.

“… Lost a bet with Batman.”

Bruce grinned and nodded. “I’m here because I lost a bet with Darcy. Never play pool with her. Honestly, though, I’m not even looking for a relationship right now.”

“Oh. That’s too bad. I mean, especially… you know… with…well....”

“The other guy?” Bruce said, tensing a little.

“Yeah, I mean… I bet he could do some damage. In a good way,” Superman said, blushing a little as he said it.

“Oh. OH. Uh… I don’t think the other guy would… um….”

“Want to express his dominant side? Because I could take it. If that’s what you’re worried about.”

“….”

“Sorry, was that too forward?” Superman said. “I’ve never officially dated anyone but my ex, Lois, and she was, well… super direct. I’m kind of horrible at this.”

“No, you’re … fine. You’re… perfectly good at this,” Bruce said, wishing he were a better liar.

Superman sighed. “It’s okay. I guess a scientist who can physically hold me down is just not a combination I’m going to get.”

“Maybe you can get Tony Stark to build something.”

Superman made a face. “That would be pretty awkward. He keeps… sending me fan mail. With drawings he made of me. Some of them are kind of… explicit.”

Bruce closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “That sounds like Tony.”

--

Charles Xavier and Steve Rogers

“So that’s why I believe deep pain and deep hope are perfectly capable of co-existing,” Charles said. “In fact, these two things, they need each other.”

“That’s … really something,” Steve said, and smiled, a little nervous. He found himself looking at Charles’ lips, and then quickly looked away.

“But please, tell me more about yourself,” Charles said.

“Can’t you just… look?” Steve asked.

Charles smiled. “I could, but that would be a tremendous abuse of power.”

Steve nodded, relieved. “I don’t like people who abuse their power.”

“Nor do I. So what else don’t you like?” Charles said with a wink.

“Umm… feeling really awkward on dates,” Steve said, rubbing the back of his own neck. He grinned. “I sort of haven’t done this speed dating thing. Ever.”

“It’s quite a lot of pressure, isn’t it? I hope the awkwardness wasn’t unpleasant?”

“Oh, no, you weren’t awkward,” Steve quickly said, “I was. I mean, not because I don't like being here, only because, I mean I think you’re great, it’s… you know what I mean.”

“I do,” Charles said with a grin. “You’re different than what I expected.”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Steve said, a little embarrassed at his own obvious nerves.

“It’s quite endearing,” Charles added, staring into Steve’s eyes.

“Really?” Steve said. “Because I think you’re – ow.”

“What happened?”

Steve turned around and pulled a fork out of his own shoulderblade. “Someone threw this fork into my shoulder. But who would have the power to do that?”

Charles frowned and let out a long sigh. He turned to the window, and Steve looked in that direction as well; Magneto was there, hovering in the air, watching the whole thing.

“Hey! Invitation only!” Darcy said, yelling out the window.

Magneto rolled his eyes and floated away.

Charles just shrugged at Steve.

--

Bucky Barnes and the Huntress

“Hey,” Bucky said, turning on the charm. “You look gorgeous by the way. Do you dance?”

The Huntress ignored him, pulled out a crossbow and shot a waiter on the other side of the room who was pulling out a gun.

Steve and Superman rushed over, and Steve asked, “Anyone recognize him?”

“Could be one of my old enemies,” Jason said with a shrug.

“Or mine,” fourteen others said.

Everyone went back to their mini-dates, seemingly unworried about the barely-averted assassination attempt. Darcy climbed out from under the table, and asked her intern, “Are these people all nuts?”

He shrugged. “Superman or Steve or Natasha would have stopped them if the Huntress hadn’t. Or someone else.”

She rolled her eyes and plopped down on her chair, ready to go back to being the official timer.

Meanwhile, the Huntress had sat back down in the booth with Bucky and was casually sipping her martini.

Bucky leaned in. “That was… in the modern lingo… hella hot.”

“That’s still a few years behind, sweetie, but not bad.”

Bucky shrugged and smirked. “I like a gal who can make a kill shot.”

“Then you’ve come to the right place.”

They both looked at each other.

A minute later, the room heard Darcy yelling in the bathroom “You CANNOT be serious!!!” A moment later, Bucky and the Huntress came out, looking disheveled, entirely unashamed, and very annoyed at Darcy.

“This is just like that time on Coney Island,” Steve observed, neutrally.

Darcy did her best not to scream.