Title: Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre
Fandom: Dear Ladies
Rating: G
Length: 805
Content notes: Mild innuendo and terrible puns
Author notes: Beta by thesmallhobbit; any remaining mistakes by the author. (Thank you, SH ^^)
Summary: The ladies are going out for a spin in the Rolls.

It was a fine evening in late summer and the ladies were going out for a spin.

“Now, are you sure you’re going to be all right, dear?” asked Hilda as she climbed into the Rolls.

Evadne frowned at her from the driver’s seat. “It has only been two weeks since I passed my test, Hilda. I can’t have forgotten everything yet.”

“No,” said Hilda, settling herself down on the passenger side. “But you’re still not used to having a go with something quite this large.”

Evadne raised her eyebrows and turned her attention to the controls. She looked up and adjusted the rear-view mirror a little and then looked over at her wing mirror. “Pass me the cloth, would you?”

Hilda got a cloth out of the glove compartment, gave it to Evadne and watched in bemusement as her companion rubbed away vigorously at the mirror. “You’ve certainly given it a good polish, dear. You’ll be able to see your face in it now.” Hilda began to giggle. “Do you get it—see your face in it…”

Evadne gave her a hard stare.

“Yes, doesn’t matter…” said Hilda.

Evadne handed back the cloth, glancing across at the passenger side. “Just pull your mirror in slightly.”

Hilda did so, and smiled coyly at her own reflection. “Mirror, mirror, on the car. Who’s the fairest one by far?”

“It’s the fishmonger,” said Evadne.

“Really?” said Hilda, looking over at her. “I always thought he was rather plain.”

“No,” said Evadne. “I mean the fishmonger is coming up the drive.”

“Oh, yes…” Hilda watched as Mr. Gill cycled up towards them. “I wonder what the wretched man wants.”

“Do try and be polite, Hilda,” said Evadne. “Really, I don’t understand why you dislike the man so. He’s always been perfectly courteous to me.”

“Because he always assumes everything has to be arranged to suit him,” said Hilda. “Every time I go in to place our order, he tries to interest me in his pollocks!”

“Hush, dear,” said Evadne. “He’s coming over.”

The fishmonger had dismounted and was approaching the car now, wheeling his bicycle. “Good evening, ladies!” He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out an envelope, which he cheerfully handed over to Dame Hilda. “As I was passing I thought I would drop off your bill. Payment is due in two days, you know, and I’m sure you’ll want to pay as quickly as possible.”

Hilda smiled fixedly. “Thank you so much. That was thoughtful of you.”

But the fishmonger’s attention had wandered beyond the car. “Good heavens! Are those naked ladies in your borders?”

“I beg your pardon…” began Hilda but Evadne broke in. “The flowers, Hilda.”

She turned to the fishmonger. “Yes, they are, Mr. Gill. Do feel free to stay and examine them but I’m afraid Dame Hilda and I must be going now.”

The fishmonger beamed, and he and his bicycle went to take a closer look.

“The impertinence of the man! I don’t know why we shop there, I really don’t,” muttered Hilda.

“Just stay calm, dear and I’ll soon have us on our way,” said Evadne. She switched on the ignition and then began an interminable checking of all the mirrors.

“Are you sure you don’t want to check over your shoulder too?” asked Hilda, coolly.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Evadne. “There’s not going to be any traffic in our own driveway.”

Hilda raised her hands in a gesture of conciliation. “I just think if you’re feeling so unsure, perhaps I should drive after all.”

“You needn’t fuss so, Hilda.” Evadne adjusted the gearstick and took off the handbrake. “There. Away we go.”

The car shot backwards.

There was a sickening crunch, which was immediately followed by an anguished cry. Evadne stamped on the brake.

“The fishmonger?” she asked in horror. “Is he..?”

“Going to be walking home, yes,” said Hilda. “You’ve run over his bicycle.”




“Is that you, dear?” said Hilda, on hearing the door being opened.

“Just taking off my coat,” called back Evadne. There was a pause and then she came into the living room.

“So, how did it go?” Hilda moved up, making room for her friend on the settee.

Evadne sat down beside her and sighed. “It could have been worse. We’ve settled out of court: I’m buying him a new bicycle and I’ve doubled our fish order for the next six months.”

Hilda patted her hand. “I’ll go and put the kettle on. A nice cup of tea will take your mind off things.”

Evadne attempted a smile. “Thank you, dear.” She leaned back into the cushions. “It was a complete accident! I’m so annoyed that Mr. Gill threatened to sue me. He’d seemed like such a kind man.”

“Well,” said Hilda, standing up. “You always did have a blind spot about him.”