Title: The Wall
Fandom: Mass Effect
Rating: PG
Length: 427
Characters: John Shepard, Kaidan Alenko (pre relationship)
Content notes: Spoilers for Mass Effect 2.
Author notes: This takes place on the Normandy SR-2, a few nights after Shepard met Kaidan on Horizon.
Summary: An unexpected message

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I got a message from Kaidan tonight.

When I saw that there was mail from him, I was afraid to open it. I've been sitting here tonight, alone, with a half-empty bottle of scotch close at hand. I'll say one thing for the Illusive Man. He's a manipulative fucking bastard, but he stocked good whiskey. That's two things, I guess.

I've been replaying that conversation with Kaidan in my mind ever since we got back from Horizon. It never gets any better. After the initial joy of recognition – and I swear it was joy in his eyes, in his handclasp – neither of us said anything right. I don't know what I expected. God knows, I never expected him to agree to work with Cerberus. It's why I wanted to keep him as far away from it... as far from me... as possible. For his own safety.

But it's too late for that. The Illusive Man taunted me with him. I don't know how he knew Kaidan was important to me, maybe because I never asked about him as I did about all the rest of my crew. I don't know. Fucking bastard.

It's why I didn't dare message him, either when I was first back on the Normandy or now, to apologize, to try to explain the inexplicable. Or even to tell him I was alive.

Right now, all I remember of our meeting is the edginess in my own voice and the pain in his. And an undercurrent that I don't quite understand. He said he'd grieved for me. That hit home hard. I never thought about people grieving for me... except maybe my mother. To me, I wasn't gone long. To them... well let's just say Kaidan saw it a lot differently.

I pour and down another shot, then take a deep breath before opening the letter.

He's apologizing. He saw the wall going up between us and he scaled it. He has a courage that I lack...ignoring everything his mind tells him about Cerberus to reach out to me, no matter the cost. He must know any mail to me is monitored.

I didn't really expect him to change his mind and join me here. He wouldn't be Kaidan if he did. His integrity has always defined him... his reaction to what happened at Jump Zero, and finally deciding to join the Alliance because he wanted to serve. I saw it again at the Citadel as he advised me to save the Council, even at the cost of human lives.

Now he's reached over the wall between us to try to explain himself. Oh Kaidan, you don't have to apologize for your integrity or for your guilt or your grief. Just be there when I come out the other side of this, okay?

I start to pour another drink, but change my mind and stopper the bottle. If I keep drinking, I'll probably convince myself that there was more in his eyes in those first moments on Horizon than he intended to show me. And that's not a thought I can afford right now.

Once this is over... I don't know. I should sleep.

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