Title: A real mouthful
Author: m_findlow
Rating: M
Length: 1,375 words
Content notes: None
Author notes: Written for Challenge 397 - Swallow
Summary: Jack bites off more than he can chew.


Ianto caught the displeased frown on Gwen’s face as she sat opposite him in the boardroom. He followed her line of sight, naturally, to Jack, who was making the most of the spread Ianto had put on for them in lieu of having missed breakfast – and most of their night's sleep – as a result of their latest alien visitor. Despite the vast offering of pastries, all he really wanted right now was coffee, double strength and hot.

‘That’s disgusting,’ Gwen said, continuing to watch Jack inhale the larger part of a whole croissant in one mouthful.

‘What?’ Jack muffled around the buttery treat, making a bugle in his throat as he swallowed it, before washing it down with an obscene sounding slurp of coffee. There was enjoying fine coffee and then there was Jack. Sometimes it was hard to tell if it was enjoyment or simply necessity. Ianto brought his own to his lips and sipped it silently, choosing to stay out of things for now.

‘You,’ Gwen said pointedly. ‘How is it you can eat like that? Hasn't Ianto taught you any manners or restraint?’

‘Don't bring me into this,’ he said, defending himself. ‘I'm not responsible for him.’

‘I'm starving,’ Jack complained, reaching for a cherry tart. ‘And I don't have to remind you that I took a chewed liver for the team last night. Coming back makes me hungry.’

‘Everything makes you hungry,’ Ianto couldn't resist stating.

‘We’re all tired and hungry,’ Gwen argued, ‘but since we've still got a full day's schedule ahead of us, pausing for breakfast is the least we could do. I say pause because that's one thing you haven't done since the food arrived.’

‘When does he ever?’ Ianto replied, pausing himself to consider his breakfast options before settling on an apricot danish.

‘I was hoping we might get a brief respite from the horrors of the universe.’

‘You never know what's just around the corner,’ Jack lectured. ‘Gotta be ready.’

‘Swallowing a whole pain au choc in one go is hardly preparing yourself for the end of the world.’

Jack snorted at her. ‘What, this? This is nothing. Why, I can swallow a banana whole.’

Gwen scoffed over the rim of her mug. ‘Rubbish.’

‘I’m telling you,’ Jack said, appearing very sure of himself. ‘It’s a party trick of mine.’

‘Who swallows a whole banana for a party trick?’

Ianto rolled his eyes at her. ‘I can’t believe you even have to ask that. It’s Jack we’re talking about.’

‘Hey, it comes in handy.’

‘Yes, it does,’ Ianto had to agree.

Gwen shared a long-suffering look at both of them. ‘I don’t even want to know. The mental images are enough already, thank you very much.’

‘I’ll prove it to you,’ Jack said, pushing up from his seat at the head of the table.

‘You really don’t have to.’

‘It's really something,’ Ianto insisted, trying to simultaneously stroke Jack's ego whilst also not going so far as to have Gwen lose respect for him in thinking he found that sort of thing appealing. Entertaining and suggestive, yes, but much more fun when no bananas at all were involved. Bananas belonged chopped up on top of a stack of pancakes drizzled in maple syrup, or in a lunch box. ‘It’s actually quite impressive. I mean, setting aside all the obvious sexual innuendo.’

‘Is that even possible?’ Jack teased, curling an eyebrow at him and smirking.

‘It’s just a banana.’

‘Depends what you think when you’re doing it. Sometimes it's easier to imagine it's something else.’

‘Save it for Friday night.’

Gwen cleared her throat loudly, reminding Ianto that despite their banter, they weren’t alone. ‘Yeah, okay, if we could get back to serious matters…’

‘This is serious!’ Jack said.

‘Uh huh.’

‘You don't believe me.’ He turned to Ianto. ‘She doesn't believe me.’

‘You've spent years telling us outlandish stories we don't believe. Why would you bother starting to take issue with our scepticism now?’

‘I'm gonna go get a banana and prove it to you.’

‘Jack, we don't–’ Ianto began trying to tell him even as he sped away down the spiral stairs. Then realised that, thanks to a shopping trip yesterday, yes, they did in fact have bananas. Bollocks. He turned to Gwen. ‘Sometimes it doesn’t pay to argue with him,’ he told her.

She leaned forward over the table. “ I didn't ask him to go down on a banana!’ she hissed.

‘And yet…’ He let the statement hang in the air, already hearing Jack’s boots thudding loudly back upstairs.

‘I’m back! And look,’ he said, holding the piece of fruit proudly aloft. ‘One Jack Harkness party trick coming right up!’

‘Really, there's no need,’ Gwen said, trying to salvage the situation and looking apprehensive as Jack made a show of slowly and, to Ianto’s mind, suggestively, peeling the banana. Dead puppies he told himself, trying not to let Jack's innuendo get the better of him. Not in front of Gwen.

He peeled it almost all the way, leaving only the last half inch still unstripped and holding the whole thing by the bottom tip. ‘One for the money, two for the show, I'm in a hurry so the banana must go.’ And with that he opened his mouth wide and pushed its length all the way in, pinching off the peel as it disappeared entirely, whilst he flicked the now empty skin with a flourish. He might have looked pleased with himself except that the expression was fleeting, before one of slight panic replaced it. The overconfident hand that had moments ago waved away their misgivings was now flapping that things were not going precisely to plan.

‘He's choking,’ Gwen said, coming to the realisation a split second after Ianto already had, throwing himself out of his chair to rush to Jack’s side. ‘Why is he choking?’

Ianto grunted vexatiously. ‘Because he's taken it down his windpipe. That's not how this game usually works.’ At least he didn't think it was. It went down the oesophagus normally, didn't it?

‘Ianto, he's turning blue!’ Gwen cried as Jack's flapping became more frantic.

‘Christ. Hold him still.’ He moved behind Jack, tipping him forward slightly and then slapping him hard between his shoulder blades, trying to dislodge the thing stuck in his throat. He gave a few forceful back blows but nothing was happening and Jack was struggling against Gwen in his own failed attempts to get it to come back up.

‘It’s not working!’ Gwen yelled at him.

‘I'm trying!’

‘What about the Heimlich manoeuvre?’

‘No longer accepted medical practice.’

‘Is now really the time to be worried about what's accepted medical practice?’

He was about to concede the point, readying to wrap around Jack and squeeze the hell out of his lover, and instead giving him one last hard whack before there was a gagging sound and bits of mangled banana started spewing out onto the floor, missing Gwen by inches only. They made a small and unimpressive pile on the boardroom floor.

‘That's disgusting,’ Ianto said, frowning at the sight. ‘And I've seen a lot.’

‘Thanks,’ Jack finally said, still hunched over and trying to regain his breath in deep, ragged lungfuls.

‘You great bloody idiot!’ Gwen scolded, her attention already turned back to Jack even as he was still catching his breath suckling it back in grateful gulps.

‘Death by banana,’ he puffed, trying to make light of it. ‘Choked on a lot of things but never that. There was this one time however that I actually did choke on someone's–’

‘Shut it!’ Gwen snapped, cutting off what they could only assume was another inappropriate story they didn't need to hear or imagine. Only Jack, Ianto thought wryly. ‘We don't need any more of your bloody party tricks. You come back from death. Isn't that trick enough? Next time don't try to swallow something bigger than you can handle.’

Jack made to open his mouth and say the one thing that Ianto dreaded. ‘Don't!’ he commanded, silencing Jack with a death glare before he could utter the words. His mouth had caused quite enough trouble already, as Gwen had so rightly pointed out. He most definitely didn't need comparisons with a banana.