Title: Fraternization Policy Implementation Memo
Fandom: MCU, Agents of SHIELD, Captain America
Rating: PG
Length: 465
Content notes: Brief references to having sex for the sake of missions/recruitment. Brief references to sort of imagined incest.
Author notes: For fan-flashworks for the prompt Enemies
Summary: Director Coulson reminds everyone that they are not to have sex with enemies of SHIELD. It's the kind of thing that should be obvious to the Avengers, but somehow isn't. Various pairings.



MEMORANDUM
To: Director Coulson
From: Agent May
Subject: Fraternization Policy Implementation

After the last Fraternization Policy memo you sent out, which strictly forbade engaging in dating or sexual relations with enemies of SHIELD with the exception of seduction for the purposes of a mission, we have received several “anonymous” responses. Among them:

1. I’ve personally recruited 16 enemy agents to our side, many of them by using my charms. And by my charms, I mean my tongue. And no, Romanov wasn’t one of them, she was persuaded by my… okay, I don’t really know. But I didn’t sleep with her. But 15 out of the 16 was with sex. You are seriously messing with potential personnel here.

2. He is NOT an enemy of SHIELD. He was brainwashed by HYDRA. He is a war hero who served admirably, and it is NOT HIS FAULT.

3. How exactly am I supposed to keep track of who wants to sleep with me? The masses adore me. I don’t know what you expect me to do.

4. If you don’t want me to sleep with all your SHIELD agents, release me from custody dumbass.

5. Why does everyone think I’m sleeping with my brother?!? That is ridiculous!!!

6. This might be an issue. I consider everyone an enemy until proven otherwise. I suggest the policy be changed to “No SHIELD agent may fraternize with a known enemy of SHIELD, excepting for the purpose of mission success, or unless the agent could easily kick the enemy’s ass.” This would be much more fair.

Please advise before I am driven to leave flaming bags of dog crap on their lawns. Seriously, these people are a pain in the ass.

--

MEMORANDUM
To: Agent May
From: Director Coulson
Subject: Re: Fraternization Policy Implementation

Thank you for the update, Agent May. Please convey the following:

1. Tell Clint to shut up. He’ll know it’s from me.

2. Tell Cap we weren’t even talking about him, so just relax. Officially, we don’t even “know” who his new “roommate” is anyway.

3. Tell Tony to shut up. When that doesn’t work, politely ask Pepper to tell Tony to shut up.

4. Tell Rumlow to shut up. Also find out how he is getting access to SHIELD memos.

5. Tell Thor that the memo is not talking about him. And that I did not want that image in my head.

6. Tell Romanov that for her and her alone, we will amend the policy. Honestly, she’s as bad as Clint sometimes.

P.S. Thank you for agreeing to be the Avengers’ handler, by the way. And, well, you know... I’m sorry for making you the Avengers’ handler. Best of luck.