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fan_flashworks2022-04-30 10:04 pm
m_findlow) wrote in fan_flashworks2022-04-30 10:04 pm
Entry tags:
Slice Challenge: Torchwood: Fanfic: Easy as pie
Title: Easy as pie
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Owen, Jack
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,830 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for Challenge 369 - Amnesty using Challenge 218 - Slice
Summary: Ianto's morning is a weird one, even by Torchwood standards.
Ianto arrived at the hub later than usual. It was his reward for so many late nights to finally allow himself a minor sleep in, getting in at nine rather than his usual seven am. Just for one morning everyone would have to wait for their food and drink, or otherwise get it for themselves.
As it was, it only took a few minutes before Owen was in his face. 'Where's my pie gone, Teaboy?'
Perhaps he'd misheard and the extra sleep had slowed his brain but he asked the question anyway. 'Pie?'
'Yeah, pie.'
'I swear I don't know anything about any pies,' Ianto insisted, even as Owen folded his arms across his chest and gave him the eye. 'I don't know why you're looking at me, anyway.'
Owen gave him another eye. 'Says the bloke who last week got hit by that alien laser and spent days craving the weirdest foods. Christ, Jack thought you must have been bloody pregnant or something. You should have heard how panicked he was about the whole thing.'
Ianto bristled at the comment. 'I was a bit peckish, that's all.' He didn't like to admit it, even to himself that he'd been holding back on the food cravings. If he could have taken the afternoon off, he'd have been straight down to the chinese buffet and eaten the lot. Not three courses, but about twenty.
It was crazy because his body shouldn't have been able to stomach that much food, but his metabolism had gone into overdrive and there didn't seem to be enough food left in the world that would sate his newfound hunger. He hated to think what he'd look like if his metabolism hadn’t kept up with him. By now he'd be the size of a house for all the food he'd eaten, most of it on the sly when the others weren’t looking. He didn't really want them to know just how bad the food cravings were.
Thankfully though, the effect had been temporary and after a few days, he was back to his normal levels of appetite. If anything, he was avoiding eating too much in case he set off a chain reaction that he couldn't stop. It didn't matter that Jack has assured him he was back to normal. There was no point risking it - and they did eat far too much junk food as it was. They could all do with a little bit more restraint on that front. 'I'm totally fine now,' he repeated for Owen's benefit.
Owen's eyes narrowed at him. 'Right, so tell me then, because I can't figure it out. This morning I arrived and there was a pie sitting there on the coffee table and now it's gone.'
'Apple or blueberry? I’m not really a blueberry pie fan, that’s all.' Cherry was a whole other matter, but no one ever seemed to make cherry pie anymore, which was a crying shame.
'Har har.'
'Look, why don't you ask the resident sugar fiend what happened to it?' Owen was wasting his time asking him about something he hadn't even seen. He'd only just got here. Where did Owen think he would have stashed a pie?
'I thought I was.'
'Oh, very droll, Owen,' Ianto replied, rolling his eyes tiredly. 'You know who I mean.' Didn't everybody? Jack was worse than all of them put together when it came to all things high fat, high carb and high sugar. The man could inhale an entire cream bun on two mouthfuls and then still have room for a swig of coffee to force it down his esophagus. Truthfully, without the coffee, Ianto suspected it might get stuck halfway, which might entail surgical extraction. Lucky Jack couldn't die. How many times had he suffered from death by cream bun?
'I haven't seen him around. Have you?'
'No, but you were here first and there was no pie on the coffee table last night when I left.' He knew that much. He'd tidied everything away before calling it a night and the coffee table had been empty except for its usual collection of science fiction conspiracy magazines which were two parts joke, one part legitimate homework. If there had been a pie, he would have wrapped it up and put it in the fridge. You didn't just leave a pie sitting around.
'If I find out you're conspiring to hide it…' Owen warned.
Ianto heaved a sigh. 'Did you bring it in?'
'Eh?'
'The pie. Did you buy it and bring it in?'
Owen scoffed. 'Course not. It was just here when I got here.'
'Then stop complaining about it as if it was yours to begin with.' Honestly, all this fuss over a bloody pie!
'I'm invoking finders keepers rules, that's all I'm saying.'
'Which should help you only if you find it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important engagement with a coffee machine.' More so after his exchange with Owen, which had given him a headache on top of his usual caffeine cravings. At least those hadn't gone away. He could still appreciate a fine cup of coffee just as he always had. He pushed past Owen and left him to grumble on his own.
He got to work making coffee for the team - even Owen, though he possibly didn't deserve it. He stopped at four coffees, having only visually clocked his three teammates, but their infamous leader had yet to appear. No point in making coffee only to have it go cold. Jack would have drunk it regardless of temperature but it was the principle of the thing.
Then, just as he was about to carry his own fresh, steaming brew to his desk, did Jack appear, hailed magically by the very promise of coffee.
'Where've you been?'
'Busy,' Jack said, hands thrust in his pockets, keeping his reply succinct and mysterious.
'Right…'
'Interrogating,' Jack said, unable to maintain that air of mystery, 'if you must know.'
Ianto's eyebrow raised. No one had said anything about an overnight rift alert or anything of the sort. 'Oh? I thought we were going to do that together. I did tell you your bad cop routine needed work.' He loved to tease Jack about his interview techniques, even more so since he'd discovered that Jack had made mention of it in his Captain's Log.
'Tell me about it,' Jack replied, leaning back against the kitchen counter, unusually honest in his assessment of his own skills. 'But I think I've nearly cracked it.'
'Who are we interrogating?'
'Don't know. But, do we still have any vanilla ice-cream?'
'Er, yes.' It was a strange segue. Unless Jack was questioning a five year old child, he didn't see how that was going to help.
Jack stood up straighter. 'Good. Can you get everyone up in the boardroom in say ten minutes, and bring the ice-cream?'
'Am I serving affogato?'
Jack shook his head. 'Ice-cream, bowls, spoons and a nice big knife.'
Ianto bit back on the urge to question his boss's motives. They rarely made sense even at the best of times. 'Will that be all, sir? No extra sprinkles?'
'I don't think that will be necessary. Ten minutes,' he repeated, checking his watch.
Ianto pulled out his stopwatch and set it. 'Yes, sir.'
Any mystery about the case of Owen's missing pie was soon answered as the four of them sat in the boardroom until Jack arrived carrying a large pie. He set it on the table as they all eyed it off. Small wonder Owen was annoyed it had disappeared. It looked delicious with all that buttery pastry and a hint of cinnamon sugar dusted on top.
'Hey everyone! Thought I'd treat us to an early brunch. Who's for apple pie?' Jack brandished the knife with gusto. 'Ianto? How big a piece would you like?'
This whole morning had been full of strange conversations which put Ianto slightly on edge. 'I think I might pass.'
'Nonsense. I'm giving you first dibs. I know how much you love a good apple pie.'
Just the sight of it was making his mouth water. A good apple pie was impossible to pass up. On a good day he could probably eat the whole thing without help, and after last week, that was precisely what worried him. He probably could eat it without sharing, and then still be hungry for more. What would happen if he reverted back to how he'd been last week? 'Just a really small slice. Just had breakfast,' he lied, having skipped it altogether.
Jack seemingly ignored the reply, looking like he was prepared to cut Ianto the largest slice of apple pie in human history. As he poised the tip of the large knife over the pie, something strange happened. The pie wobbled, then looked like it was shuddering, and then, in the blink of an eye, the pie disappeared and a large, scruffy looking creature took its place, knocking the bowls and spoons clattering to the floor as it now sprawled across the boardroom table.
'Ah ha!' Jack said. 'Thought that might persuade you to give it up.'
'Where my blinky pie?' Owen asked.
Jack was on the creature in a flash, cuffing his wrists together with a set of plastic ties as it struggled. The rest of them couldn't do much other than watch in stunned silence.
'Sorry about that,' Jack apologised. 'There was no pie. Just one really stubborn shapeshifter who wasn't going to break character so long as I was around. Minute I turned my back though, it'd have transformed itself into something else: a pen, a used Kleenex, anything it could to escape in the hands or pockets of someone else, but not before it had liberated a few things from the hub.' He fished around in the miserable creature's pockets, retrieving a laser saw, two of their standard issue weapons, and troublingly, a swipe card. 'Thought you might use these to come back for a bit more later on, huh? Nice try.'
The creature gargled at him in an indecipherable way.
'Chatty huh? Know any languages we might understand?' It garbled some more but it was clear it had only vitriolic things to say, whatever language it happened to be using.
'But it was a pie!' Tosh cried. None of them had quite fathomed how it had gotten into the hub in the first place, let alone why it had chosen to hide out as a pie, or how Jack had known it wasn't what it appeared.
'Correction, it was a shapeshifter. And an intriguing one at that. Don't usually go for forms that require that much genetic compression. Still, reckon it wasn't going to risk me trying to slice it up into several servings. Not a pretty way to go. Plus it wouldn't have tasted very good.'
Ianto quirked an eyebrow at Owen. 'Still fancy that pie, Owen?'
Owen grimaced. 'Think I'll pass actually.'
Ianto arrived at the hub later than usual. It was his reward for so many late nights to finally allow himself a minor sleep in, getting in at nine rather than his usual seven am. Just for one morning everyone would have to wait for their food and drink, or otherwise get it for themselves.
As it was, it only took a few minutes before Owen was in his face. 'Where's my pie gone, Teaboy?'
Perhaps he'd misheard and the extra sleep had slowed his brain but he asked the question anyway. 'Pie?'
'Yeah, pie.'
'I swear I don't know anything about any pies,' Ianto insisted, even as Owen folded his arms across his chest and gave him the eye. 'I don't know why you're looking at me, anyway.'
Owen gave him another eye. 'Says the bloke who last week got hit by that alien laser and spent days craving the weirdest foods. Christ, Jack thought you must have been bloody pregnant or something. You should have heard how panicked he was about the whole thing.'
Ianto bristled at the comment. 'I was a bit peckish, that's all.' He didn't like to admit it, even to himself that he'd been holding back on the food cravings. If he could have taken the afternoon off, he'd have been straight down to the chinese buffet and eaten the lot. Not three courses, but about twenty.
It was crazy because his body shouldn't have been able to stomach that much food, but his metabolism had gone into overdrive and there didn't seem to be enough food left in the world that would sate his newfound hunger. He hated to think what he'd look like if his metabolism hadn’t kept up with him. By now he'd be the size of a house for all the food he'd eaten, most of it on the sly when the others weren’t looking. He didn't really want them to know just how bad the food cravings were.
Thankfully though, the effect had been temporary and after a few days, he was back to his normal levels of appetite. If anything, he was avoiding eating too much in case he set off a chain reaction that he couldn't stop. It didn't matter that Jack has assured him he was back to normal. There was no point risking it - and they did eat far too much junk food as it was. They could all do with a little bit more restraint on that front. 'I'm totally fine now,' he repeated for Owen's benefit.
Owen's eyes narrowed at him. 'Right, so tell me then, because I can't figure it out. This morning I arrived and there was a pie sitting there on the coffee table and now it's gone.'
'Apple or blueberry? I’m not really a blueberry pie fan, that’s all.' Cherry was a whole other matter, but no one ever seemed to make cherry pie anymore, which was a crying shame.
'Har har.'
'Look, why don't you ask the resident sugar fiend what happened to it?' Owen was wasting his time asking him about something he hadn't even seen. He'd only just got here. Where did Owen think he would have stashed a pie?
'I thought I was.'
'Oh, very droll, Owen,' Ianto replied, rolling his eyes tiredly. 'You know who I mean.' Didn't everybody? Jack was worse than all of them put together when it came to all things high fat, high carb and high sugar. The man could inhale an entire cream bun on two mouthfuls and then still have room for a swig of coffee to force it down his esophagus. Truthfully, without the coffee, Ianto suspected it might get stuck halfway, which might entail surgical extraction. Lucky Jack couldn't die. How many times had he suffered from death by cream bun?
'I haven't seen him around. Have you?'
'No, but you were here first and there was no pie on the coffee table last night when I left.' He knew that much. He'd tidied everything away before calling it a night and the coffee table had been empty except for its usual collection of science fiction conspiracy magazines which were two parts joke, one part legitimate homework. If there had been a pie, he would have wrapped it up and put it in the fridge. You didn't just leave a pie sitting around.
'If I find out you're conspiring to hide it…' Owen warned.
Ianto heaved a sigh. 'Did you bring it in?'
'Eh?'
'The pie. Did you buy it and bring it in?'
Owen scoffed. 'Course not. It was just here when I got here.'
'Then stop complaining about it as if it was yours to begin with.' Honestly, all this fuss over a bloody pie!
'I'm invoking finders keepers rules, that's all I'm saying.'
'Which should help you only if you find it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important engagement with a coffee machine.' More so after his exchange with Owen, which had given him a headache on top of his usual caffeine cravings. At least those hadn't gone away. He could still appreciate a fine cup of coffee just as he always had. He pushed past Owen and left him to grumble on his own.
He got to work making coffee for the team - even Owen, though he possibly didn't deserve it. He stopped at four coffees, having only visually clocked his three teammates, but their infamous leader had yet to appear. No point in making coffee only to have it go cold. Jack would have drunk it regardless of temperature but it was the principle of the thing.
Then, just as he was about to carry his own fresh, steaming brew to his desk, did Jack appear, hailed magically by the very promise of coffee.
'Where've you been?'
'Busy,' Jack said, hands thrust in his pockets, keeping his reply succinct and mysterious.
'Right…'
'Interrogating,' Jack said, unable to maintain that air of mystery, 'if you must know.'
Ianto's eyebrow raised. No one had said anything about an overnight rift alert or anything of the sort. 'Oh? I thought we were going to do that together. I did tell you your bad cop routine needed work.' He loved to tease Jack about his interview techniques, even more so since he'd discovered that Jack had made mention of it in his Captain's Log.
'Tell me about it,' Jack replied, leaning back against the kitchen counter, unusually honest in his assessment of his own skills. 'But I think I've nearly cracked it.'
'Who are we interrogating?'
'Don't know. But, do we still have any vanilla ice-cream?'
'Er, yes.' It was a strange segue. Unless Jack was questioning a five year old child, he didn't see how that was going to help.
Jack stood up straighter. 'Good. Can you get everyone up in the boardroom in say ten minutes, and bring the ice-cream?'
'Am I serving affogato?'
Jack shook his head. 'Ice-cream, bowls, spoons and a nice big knife.'
Ianto bit back on the urge to question his boss's motives. They rarely made sense even at the best of times. 'Will that be all, sir? No extra sprinkles?'
'I don't think that will be necessary. Ten minutes,' he repeated, checking his watch.
Ianto pulled out his stopwatch and set it. 'Yes, sir.'
Any mystery about the case of Owen's missing pie was soon answered as the four of them sat in the boardroom until Jack arrived carrying a large pie. He set it on the table as they all eyed it off. Small wonder Owen was annoyed it had disappeared. It looked delicious with all that buttery pastry and a hint of cinnamon sugar dusted on top.
'Hey everyone! Thought I'd treat us to an early brunch. Who's for apple pie?' Jack brandished the knife with gusto. 'Ianto? How big a piece would you like?'
This whole morning had been full of strange conversations which put Ianto slightly on edge. 'I think I might pass.'
'Nonsense. I'm giving you first dibs. I know how much you love a good apple pie.'
Just the sight of it was making his mouth water. A good apple pie was impossible to pass up. On a good day he could probably eat the whole thing without help, and after last week, that was precisely what worried him. He probably could eat it without sharing, and then still be hungry for more. What would happen if he reverted back to how he'd been last week? 'Just a really small slice. Just had breakfast,' he lied, having skipped it altogether.
Jack seemingly ignored the reply, looking like he was prepared to cut Ianto the largest slice of apple pie in human history. As he poised the tip of the large knife over the pie, something strange happened. The pie wobbled, then looked like it was shuddering, and then, in the blink of an eye, the pie disappeared and a large, scruffy looking creature took its place, knocking the bowls and spoons clattering to the floor as it now sprawled across the boardroom table.
'Ah ha!' Jack said. 'Thought that might persuade you to give it up.'
'Where my blinky pie?' Owen asked.
Jack was on the creature in a flash, cuffing his wrists together with a set of plastic ties as it struggled. The rest of them couldn't do much other than watch in stunned silence.
'Sorry about that,' Jack apologised. 'There was no pie. Just one really stubborn shapeshifter who wasn't going to break character so long as I was around. Minute I turned my back though, it'd have transformed itself into something else: a pen, a used Kleenex, anything it could to escape in the hands or pockets of someone else, but not before it had liberated a few things from the hub.' He fished around in the miserable creature's pockets, retrieving a laser saw, two of their standard issue weapons, and troublingly, a swipe card. 'Thought you might use these to come back for a bit more later on, huh? Nice try.'
The creature gargled at him in an indecipherable way.
'Chatty huh? Know any languages we might understand?' It garbled some more but it was clear it had only vitriolic things to say, whatever language it happened to be using.
'But it was a pie!' Tosh cried. None of them had quite fathomed how it had gotten into the hub in the first place, let alone why it had chosen to hide out as a pie, or how Jack had known it wasn't what it appeared.
'Correction, it was a shapeshifter. And an intriguing one at that. Don't usually go for forms that require that much genetic compression. Still, reckon it wasn't going to risk me trying to slice it up into several servings. Not a pretty way to go. Plus it wouldn't have tasted very good.'
Ianto quirked an eyebrow at Owen. 'Still fancy that pie, Owen?'
Owen grimaced. 'Think I'll pass actually.'
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