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fan_flashworks2025-06-04 01:25 pm
badly_knitted) wrote in fan_flashworks2025-06-04 01:25 pm
Torchwood: Fanfic: Menagerie
Title: Menagerie
Fandom: Torchwood
Author:
badly_knittedCharacters: Ianto, Jack.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 824
Summary: More alien creatures have fallen through the Rift and Ianto is starting to wonder how he’s supposed to cope with caring for so many different species.
Spoilers: Nada
Warnings: None needed.
Written For: Challenge 481: Charity at fan_flashworks.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood or any of the characters.
“I’m beginning to think Torchwood should register as a charity,” Ianto muttered as he scooped up the last two alien balls of fluff and popped them into the last empty containment unit. They vaguely resembled a Pompom Pet version of a rabbit, two long ears sticking out from the top of a small pompom, balanced precariously atop a larger one, with four retractable legs hidden underneath. The fact that they were coloured lemon yellow and mint green in elaborate swirling patterns detracted somewhat from the overall rabbitness, but still…
“What was that?” Jack was busily loading the already occupied containment boxes into the rear of the SUV.
“Us,” Ianto replied succinctly. “The number of aliens we’re currently housing, we should change our name to the RSPSA, the Royal Society for the Protection of Stranded Aliens. Then we could apply for charity status, get tax breaks…” He trained off as he picked up the last box. “The Royal Society part is right anyway; we’re funded by the crown.”
“And we do protect stranded aliens. The ones that need protecting and deserve it, anyway.” Jack tickled one of the alien bunnies behind an ear, and it made a chuckling sound. “At least these little fellas are harmless.”
“We know that for a fact, do we?”
“Yes. They’re called Orthops, they come from the planet Meevix, where they’re the most popular domestic pet, at least as popular as cats or dogs here on earth. They’re easily housetrained, affectionate, and playful, and they’re omnivores, so they can be fed just about anything. Most live quite happily and healthily on table scraps, so their owners don’t even have to worry about buying them special food.”
“Well, that’s something, I suppose, because with everything we already have in residence, Myfanwy, the Weevils, the Kneebles, Yuk, the spider mouse colony, the trio of Flixxits, and those Cocorbos that came through the Rift last month, feeding time is getting a bit complicated. At least I can feed these with whatever’s on hand for our other houseguests. Otherwise, we might have to start inviting charitable contributions. Adopt an alien for an annual fee and get regular newsletter updates on their progress, plus a complimentary plush alien toy. Think it might catch on?”
Jack laughed as he took the last box from Ianto and slotted it into the car’s rear compartment alongside the other five, each on which held three of the alien rabbits. With the last two, that made seventeen altogether.
“Maybe someday, when the human race is finally ready to know about the existence of aliens,” he said. “Until then, we should probably avoid advertising the fact that we’re housing dozens of them below Roald Dahl Plas. If people knew about that…”
“Fair point,” Ianto agreed. I’ll just have to keep buying pet food in bulk, and hope everyone’s getting a nutritionally balanced diet.”
“You’re doing a great job with caring for them all,” Jack assured him.
“Thank you. Unfortunately, caring for the menagerie is cutting into the time I have available for my other duties. I’m beginning to think we should consider hiring a zookeeper, custodian of aliens, someone to feed them and muck them out, maybe carry out some other housekeeping chores as well. Or a veterinarian. You know how much Owen complains when he has to treat anything non-sentient.”
“He complains about having to treat sentient species too,” Jack pointed out. “He hates dealing with patients.”
Ianto gave a wry smile. “Makes you wonder why he decided to become a doctor, doesn’t it? Well, let’s get our new pets back to the Hub so Owen can complain about them while doing his job. They ARE rather cute.” He petted the nearest one, smiling as it chuckled at him. “Makes a change to deal with something that isn’t trying to bite my fingers, or other body parts, off.” The Cocorbos were vicious little menaces with sharp beaks that had already given Ianto several new scars.
“With any luck, the Doctor will show up soon and he can take our surplus guests back where they belong.”
“Mm.” Ianto sighed. “I might actually miss having these around though.”
“You could always keep a couple as pets.”
“No, I have the Kneebles for that, and at least they serve a purpose, contributing to their upkeep. We can’t afford to keep all the strays of the universe, not even the cute ones. As it is, this lot will have to put up with being shoved in a concrete floored cell. That’s no kind of life for them. They’ll be better off on their home planet.”
“So, no RSPSA?” Jack asked.
“Not this year. Ask me next time we have this many residents all at once.” Ianto closed the boot, hoping this would be the last bunch of alien animals to arrive. Like he didn’t already have enough to do! “I was serious about the zookeeper though.”
“We can look into that later,” Jack promised.
The End
“What was that?” Jack was busily loading the already occupied containment boxes into the rear of the SUV.
“Us,” Ianto replied succinctly. “The number of aliens we’re currently housing, we should change our name to the RSPSA, the Royal Society for the Protection of Stranded Aliens. Then we could apply for charity status, get tax breaks…” He trained off as he picked up the last box. “The Royal Society part is right anyway; we’re funded by the crown.”
“And we do protect stranded aliens. The ones that need protecting and deserve it, anyway.” Jack tickled one of the alien bunnies behind an ear, and it made a chuckling sound. “At least these little fellas are harmless.”
“We know that for a fact, do we?”
“Yes. They’re called Orthops, they come from the planet Meevix, where they’re the most popular domestic pet, at least as popular as cats or dogs here on earth. They’re easily housetrained, affectionate, and playful, and they’re omnivores, so they can be fed just about anything. Most live quite happily and healthily on table scraps, so their owners don’t even have to worry about buying them special food.”
“Well, that’s something, I suppose, because with everything we already have in residence, Myfanwy, the Weevils, the Kneebles, Yuk, the spider mouse colony, the trio of Flixxits, and those Cocorbos that came through the Rift last month, feeding time is getting a bit complicated. At least I can feed these with whatever’s on hand for our other houseguests. Otherwise, we might have to start inviting charitable contributions. Adopt an alien for an annual fee and get regular newsletter updates on their progress, plus a complimentary plush alien toy. Think it might catch on?”
Jack laughed as he took the last box from Ianto and slotted it into the car’s rear compartment alongside the other five, each on which held three of the alien rabbits. With the last two, that made seventeen altogether.
“Maybe someday, when the human race is finally ready to know about the existence of aliens,” he said. “Until then, we should probably avoid advertising the fact that we’re housing dozens of them below Roald Dahl Plas. If people knew about that…”
“Fair point,” Ianto agreed. I’ll just have to keep buying pet food in bulk, and hope everyone’s getting a nutritionally balanced diet.”
“You’re doing a great job with caring for them all,” Jack assured him.
“Thank you. Unfortunately, caring for the menagerie is cutting into the time I have available for my other duties. I’m beginning to think we should consider hiring a zookeeper, custodian of aliens, someone to feed them and muck them out, maybe carry out some other housekeeping chores as well. Or a veterinarian. You know how much Owen complains when he has to treat anything non-sentient.”
“He complains about having to treat sentient species too,” Jack pointed out. “He hates dealing with patients.”
Ianto gave a wry smile. “Makes you wonder why he decided to become a doctor, doesn’t it? Well, let’s get our new pets back to the Hub so Owen can complain about them while doing his job. They ARE rather cute.” He petted the nearest one, smiling as it chuckled at him. “Makes a change to deal with something that isn’t trying to bite my fingers, or other body parts, off.” The Cocorbos were vicious little menaces with sharp beaks that had already given Ianto several new scars.
“With any luck, the Doctor will show up soon and he can take our surplus guests back where they belong.”
“Mm.” Ianto sighed. “I might actually miss having these around though.”
“You could always keep a couple as pets.”
“No, I have the Kneebles for that, and at least they serve a purpose, contributing to their upkeep. We can’t afford to keep all the strays of the universe, not even the cute ones. As it is, this lot will have to put up with being shoved in a concrete floored cell. That’s no kind of life for them. They’ll be better off on their home planet.”
“So, no RSPSA?” Jack asked.
“Not this year. Ask me next time we have this many residents all at once.” Ianto closed the boot, hoping this would be the last bunch of alien animals to arrive. Like he didn’t already have enough to do! “I was serious about the zookeeper though.”
“We can look into that later,” Jack promised.
The End